Title:Roast the Lies
Summary:Arthur is at his own roast, and lies get discovered.
Author's Notes:Stupid peach ball gowns!!!!
Gwaine was of course the host of the ceremonies and went first. "Thank you all for attending tonight's epic roast of our very own Princess, and might I say Arthur, Peach is definitely your color."
Arthur playfully sneered at Gwaine. The peach sweetheart ball gown complete with tiara, would be the least of the things he heard about tonight.
Gwaine continued to make snide remarks about his manhood or lack there of, only to introduce his wife, Arthur's sister, Morgana. "Thank you my darling for reminding all of our friends and family why I've stayed with you all these years. Isn't my husband the biggest cock?" She wickedly smiled and Arthur hung his head at his own fate for the next 20 minutes. He smiled politely while she too, refused to acknowledge his manhood. She insisted he was much better off as a woman, because obviously women were smarter and stronger and that was the only reason for Pendragon Inc.'s recent success. It had a blond woman named Arthur at the helm.
Gwaine got up and offered his big dick to his wife before offering it to the next speaker which was thankfully Lance. Arthur needed the a break from the traditional hazing that was going on. He already was shifting in his seat to assure himself that he actually did have testicles.
Unfortunately Lance told a story about girl named Gwen and Arthur figuring out he was gay, or being told he was gay on their first date. "How was he supposed to know that kisses should be enjoyable? He was rich and girls lied to him before Gwen. They told him he had a penis for them, but in reality he should have been dressed like this from the start. I thank you for being a peachy poof Arthur, without which I would never have had the chance at my current wife."
Arthur playfully rolled his eyes at "perfect couple", then mentally admitted he wasn't his suavest in his pre-sexual discovery days.
Gwaine once again bounced to the podium with his dark hair bouncing behind him. He called up Percy who did an interpretive dance of Arthur's first encounter at a gay bar. The howls of laughter took several minutes to clear. Then it was Elyan's turn. The man had a lute in his hand and sang a ballad about the ways in which Arthur would look so much better with tits and long hair. Gwaine joined in on the chorus as did the rest of the audience. "And his dick is a prick imagined, A legend of old quite tragic, With tweezers and scope examined, Alas all hope left is magic."
"And thank god we have magic on our side", Gwain smiled into the mic at the end of the impromptu sing-a-long. "It wouldn't be a roasting of Arthur without his closest most dearest friend/enemy/pining-after-like-an-idiot-f
Applause shot up from the room as the person Arthur really wanted to run from took the stand. Merlin knew everything about him. EVERYTHING. The others only guessed a little. But Merlin was there when Arthur cried while watching The Notebook. He knew the way Arthur liked to wear fuzzy bear slippers when he was sick. He knew about the time Arthur got caught on the wrong end of ...No. Arthur wasn't even going to think about that.
"So I'm supposed to say horrible things about him. In fact I have the right to say as many horrible things as I like and he can't even get mad about it because tonight I'm supposed to say it all. Well. Typically I would jump at the chance to tell this stuck on himself prat what I think of all the wrong things he does, but I do that every day of his life already. So I don't see what would be special about me knocking him off his impossibly high, self provided pedestal. Instead I figured I would address something Gwaine already mentioned. Pining."
Arthur nervously looked out to the crowd rather than to Merlin.
The friend he knew and loved continued, "So many people in this room have told me repeatedly for the last 10 years that Arthur loved me more than a friend. I knew it was wishful thinking. I knew it because the line of friendship and trust that Arthur and I had was tangibly strong. I could feel it more than anything else. It's what gives me courage to say anything to him on any given day and know the same was given back. That if there was some other feeling between us, we would have felt it and known about it long before the rest of you lot, because we shared it all." Merlin sighed. "Yesterday, I found out about the lies. Arthur never thought anyone was good enough for me, because he was in love with me. He told his sister so when she was picking out his dress for this evening. Odd thing about lies Arthur. They never get you what you truly want."
Arthur's mouth went dry as his eyes went back to Merlin who was staring back at him.
"For once in my life I'm going to say what I want in regards to you Arthur. And to hell with our tangible line of friendship."
Arthur held his breath, as did the rest of the room.
Merlin gave him a leeringly wicked smile, "I want to tear that sadistically sexy dress off your body and lick you till I prove you're a man at least three or four times over. Then I want to fuck you till I hear you say you love me back at least a dozen times."
Stupid dress did nothing to hide Arthur's interest in this development, so he stood up and marched himself to Merlin proudly displaying this questioned penis and kissed Merlin within an inch of his life.