Seeking Silence

issy5209

The whole of Camelot was erupting in jubilance.  After a week of Morgana's rule, the King had returned triumphantly.  Merlin could hear the celebrations from the lower towns and around the castle.  He was relieved at having being able to persuade Arthur to pull the sword out of the stone and return to Camelot to defeat Morgana (albeit with a bit of help that Arthur would never know about).  The roar in his brain that kept repeating the manta "keep him safe, fulfill the destiny, keep him safe"had finally died down to the soft murmur that was always present.  He could shove that aside, but never completely ignore it.  It was never silent, always there, pushing and driving him onwards.

Gwaine, Elyan and Gaius were resting for now, others had had wounds tended to, and there would probably be more come morning.

He was so tired, but before he could rest, there was something he needed to do first.  For that he needed to be somewhere where there was complete silence.  He walked around the palace aimlessly, finding himself opening the door to Morgana's chambers.

They were as she had left them.  He bent down and grabbed the straw doll he'd placed under her bed.  The place was somewhat dusty, as if she'd been gone over a year, not there just a few hours before.  There were some dried up flowers in a vase on the table.  The bed was made, though slightly rumpled from where she'd slept.  Cobwebs were dangling on the bedposts and ceiling.  Everything was covered in a fine layer of dust.  Gwen used to come and clean here, before she was banished. 
He looked at the bed, remembering curling up together.  She once claimed that his presence kept the nightmares at bay.  Sometimes they would talk of a future, a time when magic could be accepted once again in Camelot.  Other times they would just lie in silence, lost in their own thoughts.  Had she known, even that long ago what she would do and what she would become?  he liked to think not.  If she had broken her silence back then, perhaps he could have stopped all this.  But now they were both living the nightmare she had wrought.

He looked out the window, wondering where she was, and sighed.  He should have intervened earlier, helped her more, before she turned against him and everybody else, when she would listen, before she became bitter and unforgiving, filled with rage and hate.  Even now, after all that had happened, could he save her now.  Help her find the light again, was it even possible?.  Kilgharra had said her path was set, and that she would follow it now to the end.  Even after breaking the Fomorrah's hold on him, fighting her in the Valley of the Fallen Kings and taking her magic away, there was still something that stopped him from killing her.  Too much had happened, too much between them remained unsaid.  He was silent when perhaps he should not have been.

He closed his eyes, pausing to relish in the silence of the room, and sent out his minds eye to search.  He felt himself travel out of his body, passing over the citadel and the lower towns, out towards the Darkling Woods.  It was almost as if the was flying, this type of travel.  But there was complete silence.  No sounds from below reached him, no wind gushing past his ears, no exhilaration as there was when he rod Kilgharrah.

He could feel the presence of the Great Dragon, sleeping in a cave nearby.  He mentally sent out his gratitude for the help, and received a warm feeling wash over him in reply.  He search and searched, remembering her panicked look when her magic would not work.  "Sorry, I am so sorry" he thought, as if she could hear him.  It had to done.  It wasn't permanent, he could never do that.  But then she'd nearly killed Gwen.  He'd stopped her in time then, pushing her further way than he had thought.  Nobody could find a trace of her.  She was still alive then, wounded somewhere.

He cast his minds eye further out into the darkness.  He saw a white flash, and felt a brush of wings fly past him and realised it was Aithusa.  What was she doing?  He stopped his searching, and felt Morgana's presence before seeing her lying on the ground.  She wasn't wounded anymore.  Aithusa had seen to that.  She looked different, like the girl he once knew and loved, filled with wonder and awe at the white dragon flying away.  Could the young dragon heal her heart as well?  Time would tell.

Before he could follow Morgana further, he was roughly pulled back into his body by somebody shouting his name and shaking his shoulder.  As he blinked, a face came into focus in front of him. Gwen, not Arthur, thank goodness.

"Are you all right?"  She asked, relieved that he was finally taking notice of her.
"Yeah, just tired" he replied, hoping that she would be reassured.
"What are you doing in here"? She wondered, looking around and frowning.
He shook his head, "Nothing, really, just thinking"
"Do you think she'll come back and try to kill Arthur again?" Gwen asked.
Merlin shrugged "Who knows what she'll do" he replied.
And if she did, she would leave him with no choice.  Any remaining feelings he had for her would have to be cast aside.  He would have to kill her, as much as he would regret it.  He had never wanted to be her enemy, that was her choice, not his.
He couldn't let her take the throne and destroy his destiny.

'Have you eaten" Gwen asked. "Arthur is famished and I'm going to see if there's any food.  Come with me, I've got some news"
She took him by the hand and led him out of the room.
As he closed the door behind him, he gave the room once last look, leaving it in silence, as it was before.