loopstagirl (loopstagirl) wrote in camelot_drabble,

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My Heart

Author: Loopstagirl
Title: My Heart
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Merlin, Arthur,
Summary: This couldn't happen again.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 920
Prompt: Enamored
Author's Notes: I'm aiming the setting to be around the Victorian times!


I write this by your side, looking down on you as you sleep. You’re beautiful. Do you know that? I hope you do, for my eyes follow the lean lines of your body, your pale skin contrasting with the deep red of the bed. The covers are over your legs, shifting just enough to glance at a hip before concealing everything else. Your upper body is exposed though and it takes all my strength to resist dropping the pen and running my fingers over your skin, to see you react the way you did in the night.

A soft smile unfurls on your sleeping lips and I wonder what you are dreaming about. Is it me, the way you flicker through my unconscious mind? Do I haunt you at every turn the way you have my head whipping from side to side even when you are not there? I want you to say yes, to say that it isn’t just me. But that scares me. This feeling scares me.

I haven’t felt anything like it.

And yet I have.

I know I have.

I know this happens every lifetime we come across each other. Our night together always sparks off the memories in my mind and I know exactly who you are, who I am and who we are to each other. We have only just met in this lifetime and yet your body is as familiar to me as my own. My hands could map you with ease from all the times that we have explored over the years.

But what I don’t know, this time around, is that you remember. I can’t see it in your eyes, although they shine with their usual level of emotion and that grin on your face when you beckoned me forward was still the same grin as it always is. I want you to know, to realise what we are to each other and why we risked so much when we shed our clothes and our barriers during the night. I want to see the love in your eyes when you look at me, love that has only deepened during our times apart and then finding each other again.

At the same time, I don’t.

For this story never ends well. It is why I am sitting here writing this, watching you rather than lying down beside you. I could have let dreams carry me off again, relishing in the feeling of still being in your arms. But I know what would happen next. They would burst down the door and drag one of us off, maybe both. Despite all of our centuries of finding each other, our love isn’t allowed. It’s the same story every time, the same twist in the tale that stops us being together.

So this time, my love, I’m being the one to act. When you awaken, you will not find me there. You will find this letter and only this. Then when they come they have no proof, just a man sleeping alone. They will have no reason to burn you again. For that is the heart of the matter. I’m too weak to lose you again. I cannot watch you be hurt and expect to make it to our next reunion sound of mind. There are some things a man cannot take and I have reached my breaking point, even with years of separation in between our meetings.

So I will flee like a criminal in the night, just after the sun rises. For I am also selfish, I want to see the light hit your face, to see you bathed in a golden glow one last time before I flee to the darkness, hiding and hoping it will be enough to give a new ending to our story. I hope you read this and remember. Remember who we are to each other, for only then will you understand my pain at leaving you like this. Please know I do not take this decision lightly and with every word I scratch onto this parchment, my heart breaks just that little bit more.

The sun is rising now. I have a smile on my face as I watch you. Remember my smile. Know that it was only for you, and always will be. No one else will see it until the next time we meet, dear heart. You seek the light instinctively, causing your head to turn towards me. I can’t help myself. Shaking fingers brush back that lock of hair from falling in your eyes. Can you feel my touch in your dreams? You’re still smiling, so I hope so.

But now my time has come. I can sit here no longer, or this will have been for nothing. I hope you felt that, my lips brushing across your skin one last time. At least, the last time in this lifetime, for I know that we will meet again. The wheels of destiny continue to turn and we aren’t able to stop just yet. Excuse my writing, my love, for my hand seems to have developed a tremble I can’t still.

Whatever happens, whatever you may think of me, know this. I don’t care whether you remember or not, I will never stop loving you. And if you don’t remember, then maybe in our next meeting the weight of our past will once again be in your eyes, along with emotions so deep they drown me.

But until then, know you are my heart.

Tags: *c:loopstagirl, c:arthur, c:merlin, p:arthur/merlin, pt 147:enamored, rating:pg, type:drabble

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