My Soul
Author: Loopstagirl
Title: My Soul
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Merlin, Arthur,
Summary: Time was nothing but a cruel circle.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 998
Prompt: Embrace
Author's Notes: Modern times now, but a continuation of last week's My Heart.
Arthur,
I can’t
I mean, how are we supposed to do this?
What happens…
Arthur, I’m sorry. I know what it is I’m trying to say and the words are refusing to be written down. It doesn’t help that we are currently crouched in a dark alley in the freezing cold, my hands are shaking and your body is trembling so violently against mine it’s all I can do to not forget the whole letter thing and pull you into my arms. Holding you tight might not stop the penetrating cold from threatening to make us freeze together, but it would be good having you back in my arms.
How many times have we embraced over the years? It’s only now, with the cars whizzing past and the street light above us flickering and finally going out that I properly remember. You were right: I didn’t remember you the last time we met. But I remember your letter. Your determination that you’re going to make things better for us. Well, we’re finally in a place and a time where we are allowed to be together.
And both on the streets, starving and barely surviving. Last night was the first night that I’ve felt warm for months now, with your lips pressed against the back of my neck and our bodies moving as one. But even now, it’s still too dangerous. We have nowhere to go, no place where we won’t be arrested if we’re caught. Last night was special, I know that. But not only because it was our first time this lifetime, but perhaps because it will be our last.
I should leave before you wake up, maybe it will be easier if I don’t see you suffering along with me.
How are we supposed to do this, Arthur? I’m staring down at you now, your lips are blue. You’re so deeply asleep that you don’t feel my hand ghosting over your hair, lines of exhaustion etched deep into your young face. It almost makes you look the age we are. I haul you around, resting your head in my lap so you are more protected from the stone wall behind us and the cold ground. I can’t stop myself from smiling. I never could when I feel your body next to mine.
Why am I writing this letter? The way you snuffle in your sleep makes me forget. It’s the same sort of noise that you have always made and I’m hit with just how deep our feelings run. Even now, fate has thrown something else at us and yet we still managed to find each other. Fine, I’ll say it. I’m sorry for trying to steal from you. I knew the second you turned around it wouldn’t be worth it. The fraction of time I had before the memories hit was enough time to take in your gaunt appearance and your hollow eyes. You wouldn’t have anything that was worth it.
And what you did was already mine. Your heart. I knew that as soon as I looked into your eyes and saw your mouth open in surprise. Emotions flickered across your face in that moment and I knew what you were thinking. We would finally be accepted… and we were both in a state. I used to be able to trace your body without thinking about it. But now I’m only tracing air.
So back to my point – I can picture your smile as you read that. I’m sorry, you know I can never stay on track – why am I writing? You’re ill, Arthur. No one should be that cold. You need help, food and medicine. I’m going to find you some. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back before you wake up and I can rip this up. But if I’m not… the police have already warned me more than once, I’m known around these areas.
Arthur, if I don’t make it back, move on. Get away from here. Get help. If I’m arrested, don’t come looking for me. You won’t be able to do anything anyway. But get out of here and live. That is why I’m writing this letter, Arthur. It’s the words I can never say, the thoughts I can never express for all of my rambling. What happens to me doesn’t matter, it never has. If you wake and read this, if I’m not back… Find a way to survive. Please. For me.
There, I’ve said it. The sun is rising now. I should go before places get too busy and I’m more likely to be noticed. I should leave before you stir, for each moment I wait is another chance that you will be gone when I return. But I can’t leave you. I don’t want to, even though I know I should. I’ve only just found you again.
I don’t want to say goodbye again
Don’t read that. Don’t even attempt to. My hand shook too much, it didn’t make sense, I just couldn’t… I’ll go in a moment, I swear. I will make you well again. But I just want a little more time with you in my arms, especially if this is going to be the last for a century or two.
Oh Arthur. Whatever happens, promise me you will live? Promise me, Arthur?
I will put it in your pocket. It shouldn’t be able to blow away there, although it might soak through from the dampness of the ground. You’ll feel it there as soon as you stir, even if you don’t feel me next to you. You’ll understand what I had to do, I know you will. After all, it’s no different to what you did last time. It’s my turn to save you now, my turn to repay the favour.
But God how I wish you’ll never read this. It will mean I’ll be back with food and medicine and you’ll be okay. Just this once, please be okay.
I love you.
Merlin.
Title: My Soul
Rating: PG
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Merlin, Arthur,
Summary: Time was nothing but a cruel circle.
Warnings: None
Word Count: 998
Prompt: Embrace
Author's Notes: Modern times now, but a continuation of last week's My Heart.
Arthur,
Arthur, I’m sorry. I know what it is I’m trying to say and the words are refusing to be written down. It doesn’t help that we are currently crouched in a dark alley in the freezing cold, my hands are shaking and your body is trembling so violently against mine it’s all I can do to not forget the whole letter thing and pull you into my arms. Holding you tight might not stop the penetrating cold from threatening to make us freeze together, but it would be good having you back in my arms.
How many times have we embraced over the years? It’s only now, with the cars whizzing past and the street light above us flickering and finally going out that I properly remember. You were right: I didn’t remember you the last time we met. But I remember your letter. Your determination that you’re going to make things better for us. Well, we’re finally in a place and a time where we are allowed to be together.
And both on the streets, starving and barely surviving. Last night was the first night that I’ve felt warm for months now, with your lips pressed against the back of my neck and our bodies moving as one. But even now, it’s still too dangerous. We have nowhere to go, no place where we won’t be arrested if we’re caught. Last night was special, I know that. But not only because it was our first time this lifetime, but perhaps because it will be our last.
How are we supposed to do this, Arthur? I’m staring down at you now, your lips are blue. You’re so deeply asleep that you don’t feel my hand ghosting over your hair, lines of exhaustion etched deep into your young face. It almost makes you look the age we are. I haul you around, resting your head in my lap so you are more protected from the stone wall behind us and the cold ground. I can’t stop myself from smiling. I never could when I feel your body next to mine.
Why am I writing this letter? The way you snuffle in your sleep makes me forget. It’s the same sort of noise that you have always made and I’m hit with just how deep our feelings run. Even now, fate has thrown something else at us and yet we still managed to find each other. Fine, I’ll say it. I’m sorry for trying to steal from you. I knew the second you turned around it wouldn’t be worth it. The fraction of time I had before the memories hit was enough time to take in your gaunt appearance and your hollow eyes. You wouldn’t have anything that was worth it.
And what you did was already mine. Your heart. I knew that as soon as I looked into your eyes and saw your mouth open in surprise. Emotions flickered across your face in that moment and I knew what you were thinking. We would finally be accepted… and we were both in a state. I used to be able to trace your body without thinking about it. But now I’m only tracing air.
So back to my point – I can picture your smile as you read that. I’m sorry, you know I can never stay on track – why am I writing? You’re ill, Arthur. No one should be that cold. You need help, food and medicine. I’m going to find you some. If I’m lucky, I’ll be back before you wake up and I can rip this up. But if I’m not… the police have already warned me more than once, I’m known around these areas.
Arthur, if I don’t make it back, move on. Get away from here. Get help. If I’m arrested, don’t come looking for me. You won’t be able to do anything anyway. But get out of here and live. That is why I’m writing this letter, Arthur. It’s the words I can never say, the thoughts I can never express for all of my rambling. What happens to me doesn’t matter, it never has. If you wake and read this, if I’m not back… Find a way to survive. Please. For me.
There, I’ve said it. The sun is rising now. I should go before places get too busy and I’m more likely to be noticed. I should leave before you stir, for each moment I wait is another chance that you will be gone when I return. But I can’t leave you. I don’t want to, even though I know I should. I’ve only just found you again.
Don’t read that. Don’t even attempt to. My hand shook too much, it didn’t make sense, I just couldn’t… I’ll go in a moment, I swear. I will make you well again. But I just want a little more time with you in my arms, especially if this is going to be the last for a century or two.
Oh Arthur. Whatever happens, promise me you will live? Promise me, Arthur?
I will put it in your pocket. It shouldn’t be able to blow away there, although it might soak through from the dampness of the ground. You’ll feel it there as soon as you stir, even if you don’t feel me next to you. You’ll understand what I had to do, I know you will. After all, it’s no different to what you did last time. It’s my turn to save you now, my turn to repay the favour.
But God how I wish you’ll never read this. It will mean I’ll be back with food and medicine and you’ll be okay. Just this once, please be okay.
I love you.
Merlin.