Magical Sex Hotel

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To: Leon Knight

Subject: Enforcement of Rules

Sadly, Sir, the time has come to go against my own gentle nature and confront you with an issue of the greatest concern to both myself and my staff. I fear that your long acquaintance with His Royal Highness, King Arthur, has perhaps clouded your judgement as our general manager.

I can appreciate his generosity in gracing our hotel with royal hospitality, as the event has indeed improved our resort's recognition among the public. I have certainly noticed the spike in our bookings, as you predicted, but I am concerned about the end result of all the publicity. I am writing because I must insist that you enforce stricter rules for future use of our honeymoon suite, and for any future use of our premises at all involving our king and/or his new spouse.

To wit: Our policy prohibiting pets applies to everyone. The word "everyone" does, despite your apparent disagreement, include our own royalty as well as those they have recently married—yes, Sir, even Dragonlords. Only the fireplaces are intended for fires, not the curtains, and certainly not the beds. It is fortunate that the Dragonlord was able to contain the fires before the damage spread to any other rooms, or indeed before our own fire suppression units were engaged. It is unfortunate, however, that his magic grants him powers over the elements exceeding the force of our humble sprinkler system. Regrettably, I will need to include in the final bill the price of replacing the room's rare antique carpeting, due to water damage.

Furthermore, if you choose to continue selective enforcement of our pet policy, please at least advise any future pet-smugglers that our kitchen does not generally keep entire sides of beef on hand. The Dragonlord's oft-repeated insistence that the dragon should be forgiven because she is still a "growing girl" did little to decrease my annoyance at having to send my staff out to 24-hour supermarkets eight times in one week. In short, Sir, I do not believe that supplying a vicious magical creature with fresh meat should be among our hotel's many services.

There is one other matter I must bring to your attention, one of great significance to our hotel's future. I have learned to live with the uncomfortable reality that the front desk often receives noise complaints from the rooms surrounding the honeymoon suite. We are, however, unused to fielding calls from the buildings surrounding our hotel, nor do we appreciate seismologists and news reporters asking us insinuating and disrespectful questions linking the behaviour of a member of our royal family with earthquake-like events that seemed to be localised at our resort.

It is of little consolation that said earthquakes did not cause any injuries or structural damage, for it was unacceptable, and if I may say as much, rather obnoxious for our king's spouse to bring about those late-night anomalies. I am both embarrassed on behalf of our royalty and worried about our resort's reputation. For your information, I have already heard the phrase "magical sex hotel" bandied about on television in reference to our fine establishment. I have no doubt that our fair ruler will richly compensate us for the damage to our suite, but I don't think even his largesse could rescue us from the financial effects of negative publicity.

In summary, I feel it is your place to insist King Arthur and his entourage follow all of our policies in future.

- George Brass

Manager of Household Staff

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To: George Brass

Subject: Re: Enforcement of Rules

If someone who didn't know of your fastidious ways stumbled upon your email, they would think you guilty of the worst sort of bigotry against the magical community. The union of our king with Merlin Emrys (and I remind you here that "consort" is the proper title for the king's spouse) has done a great deal toward improving the future of all the citizens of Albion. Their alliance is proof to everyone that the discrimination against magical people, which has caused us all so much strife, will no longer be the law of our land. Tensions have relaxed markedly since the official beginning of their courtship; with their wedding and honeymoon, their joint rulership begins. Peace is finally within our grasp.

I take many of your complaints, particularly those regarding the earthquake reports, as good evidence that their relationship is so far a very happy one, which hasn't always been the case with such important political marriages, as you're no doubt aware. On a personal level, I'm pleased that Arthur has married someone he loves. I find it difficult to understand how anyone couldn't rejoice with him, especially because I have spoken with many members of your staff who feel the same as I do.

Since you know that both the king and his consort are close friends of mine, I do applaud your bravery in coming forward with your concerns, although I've long known that you rarely hesitate to complain about anything. Still, I'll take your remarks about our pet policy into consideration, and I'll advise you once I decide whether to change the policy or speak to Merlin about it. You're correct in stating that we shouldn't make exceptions to the hotel's rules, even for royalty, Dragonlords, or our own friends.

However, I'm not going to act on the rest of your concerns at this time, as I don't share your opinions. I feel that a resort bearing the epithet "magical sex hotel" will only see an increase in business.

I do continue to appreciate all of your hard work.

- Leon Knight

General Manager