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27 July 2015 @ 04:52 pm
The Email Order Bridegroom, Chapter 6  
Author: brunettepet
Title: The Email Order Bridegroom, Chapter 6
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/s: Arthur/Merlin
Character/s: Arthur, Merlin, Hunith
Summary: Arthur's got a plan to stay in the United States. Merlin is that plan.
Warnings: Extreme mortification.
Word Count: 1013 (Ack, again!)
Prompt: 170 Expecting
Author's Notes: This is a continuation of The Email Order Bridegroom

The hug lasts quite a while and Merlin wonders, a bit alarmed, if his emotional mum might even be crying a little, but when Hunith finally loosens her grip and steps back, she’s smiling and her eyes are bright. “You’re looking happy and relaxed, love. California seems to be agreeing with you.”

Merlin smiles back and looks over at Arthur, “Yeah, I’m liking what I’ve seen so far.”

Arthur smiles softly, glancing down he suddenly realizes he’s been standing about in nothing but a short robe. He blushes and, stammering, excuses himself to get decent.

Hunith watches him rush away, bemused smile on her face. “He seems like a lovely, lad,” she says approvingly before giving Merlin’s waist one last squeeze and letting go entirely but keeping her gaze on Merlin. “It’s clear he’s got very good taste, too.” She then looks around the room with interest. “His home is quite nice, as well.”

“Mum don’t be ridiculous,” Merlin huffs, face reddening.

“What, am I not supposed to think the man my son loves is wonderful for loving him back?”

Merlin flushes hotter, stomach churning at the deception. He hates lying to his mum about something so important but he has committed to this ruse and he’ll have to soldier through this and more before the year is out. He doesn’t come up with a fitting response before Arthur rejoins them, casually draping his arm over Merlin’s shoulders, leaning in like they do this every day.

“Hunith, I’m sure it’s been a very long few days, let us show you to your room so you can rest up.”

“Thank you, Arthur, but I’m fine. It has been a long trip but First Class really is just like it looks in the movies.” She turns back to Merlin, red cheeked and grinning. “The seats recline into beds and there are actual duvets not those mingy little tea towels they hand out when we fly. I slept like a baby then had two glasses of champagne and a Bloody Mary with breakfast,” she says with delight. "I can’t wait to tell the hospital staff, Will and Gaius all about it!”

Merlin just wonders harder at the unexpected ticket. His reservation here was made a few weeks in advance and even an Economy ticket was over fourteen hundred pounds. On such short notice, who knows how exorbitant his mum’s ticket was. His mind reels at the extravagance but Hunith’s pleasure at the novel luxury calms him somewhat.

“We’re glad you enjoyed it,” Arthur says evenly. “Our business books several flights a year and we accumulate points we often can’t use. It’s wonderful sharing them so you can be here for Merlin. He’d be completely outnumbered otherwise.”

Merlin hadn’t really thought of it that way but Arthur’s absolutely right and he’s suddenly grateful to have his mum here. Even though the wedding is a sham, it will be nice to have her for support.

“Oh, presents,” Hunith suddenly exclaims. “Will and Gaius sent things with me.” She roots around in the largest piece of her luggage until finally pulling out a lumpy thing that is wrapped in pink cloth and tied with string. “Will’s a butcher,” Hunith explains to Arthur while handing the gift to Merlin.

Merlin opens Will’s with some trepidation, expecting something crude and bachelor party worthy. It’s actually a Lonely Planet Pocket Los Angeles guide wrapped in two pink novelty t-shirts, one proclaiming I’m Going to Win an Oscar. You Should Ask For My Autograph Now! The other says My Husband Won’t Forget The Little People. Especially His Best Mate Will.

“I warned him you’d be too embarrassed to wear them but he thought they were perfect,” Hunith beams, obviously agreeing.

Merlin is flushed, again, but this time with delight and beams back at his mum. “I love it. I’ll sleep in it,” he promises.

“Me, too,” Arthur agrees smiling. “We’ll be one of those obnoxious couples that finish each others' sentences and wear matching outfits!”

After the thoughtfulness of prankster Will’s present, Merlin turns his attention to Uncle Gaius’s beautifully wrapped gift. It takes forever to get into and when Merlin finally gets his fingers under the lid he pulls it up with a Ta-da-like flourish. Only to be faced with myriad flavored lubes, condoms and garishly colored sex toys, a copy of The Joy of Gay Sex and Keeping Mr. Right: The Gay Man’s Guide to Lasting Relationships. Mortified, Merlin slams the lid down but not before Hunith and Arthur both get an eyeful of a hell of a lot of latex.

Merlin is speechless but Arthur says sincerely, “Well, that was very considerate of your uncle, Merlin.” He turns to Hunith, “We’ll be sure to send him a nice thank you card.”

“I’m certainly glad airport security didn’t open that in front of me,” Hunith says with a shaky laugh. Merlin has to agree.

They finally pick up her luggage and show Hunith her room and she’s pleased to note that Merlin’s in a spare bedroom, too. “It’s lovely you’re saving sharing until after the wedding. It will be more special that way.”

Arthur, the asshole, shakes Gaius’s gift hard enough for it to rattle. This day just gets more and more embarrassing, Merlin thinks. Arthur’s smirk has him believing Arthur doesn't mind a bit.

Merlin is stowing the two presents in his empty luggage in the closet when Hunith steps through the bathroom door, sweet, sincere look on her face, “Honey, I think we should talk about your wedding night. I came away from mine with you and even though an unplanned pregnancy won’t result, you should be prepared for what might.”

Merlin flails and the box goes flying, scattering its contents all over the small room.

Arthur hears the series of small crashes and runs back down the hallway just in time to find Merlin on all fours, neon green dildo in one hand, frantically trying to gather up a ball gag trying to roll out the door with the other.

Of course, Arthur,laughing, pulls out his phone and snaps a series of photos.

Chapter 7
clea2011: Arthur blueclea2011 on July 27th, 2015 11:14 pm (UTC)
This was so cute! I love Merlin's horror at his mum about to give him the talk! And Gaius' thoughtful and (I'm sure will turn out to be very) useful gift! Loving this series :D
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 27th, 2015 11:45 pm (UTC)
Talking about sex with your parents is as horrifying at thirty as it is at ten! Gaus's present was very thoughtful, indeed, even though Merlin's not really thinking so right now.

I'm really glad you're liking this series :D
i'm glad you're here, merlin: → merlin; smileyandiwould on July 28th, 2015 12:38 am (UTC)
Omg, Gaius, what! This new bit was hilarious! I'm really enjoying this :))
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 03:02 am (UTC)
Gaius just wants to start the new marriage off right! I think he could have warned Hunith, though :D
Aranei_Eiselaraneieisel on July 28th, 2015 03:57 am (UTC)
Damn, those photos would be very funny.
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 01:28 pm (UTC)
Yes they would!
Mazthismaz on July 28th, 2015 04:50 am (UTC)
How to totally discombobulate your nephew *g*
And Arthur is certainly not helping *bg*
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 01:29 pm (UTC)
I think Gaius really enjoyed the trip to the sex shoppe.
Vini Bhattvinib on July 28th, 2015 06:42 am (UTC)
ROFLMAO!! This one reminds me of Our John videos. Catherine Tate as Hunith FTW!!!

Will's thoughtfulness notwithstanding, I can just picture Gaius trying to prove he's okay and supportive of Our Merlin being Ghey by giving him chocolate penis and change bills for his male strip club outings for Christmas...

And Arthur laughing his ass out as Merlin slowly dies of mortification.
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 01:32 pm (UTC)
I can just picture Gaius trying to prove he's okay and supportive of Our Merlin being Ghey by giving him chocolate penis and change bills for his male strip club outings for Christmas... Hahahahaha!

Actually, Gaius knows how easily embarrassed Merlin is and thought Merlin wouldn't even go online and shop for these very handy marital aids :D
Vini Bhattvinib on July 28th, 2015 02:33 pm (UTC)
Well, obviously! Our poor Merlin is so innocent and virginal he needs his mum uncle to buy sex-toys marital aids for him.
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 04:42 pm (UTC)
Merlsmerlocked18 on July 28th, 2015 06:47 am (UTC)

Heheh, Oh.My. Gaaawd. Gaius!!what on earth did you dooo! *g* Arthur is just evil, too. But, they are totally going to use all those things, so there. Now, will there be kissing and cuddling for Hunith's benefit? Hm? PRETTY PLEEEAHSEEEE?

brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 01:40 pm (UTC)
What Gaius did was have a pretty good outing to the sex shoppe!

I don't know that Merlin is up to much cuddling from Arthur, the asshole. Why isn't he helping gather cock rings and lube? It's like a porn piñata exploded in Merlin's room and Hunith is standing right there!
Merlsmerlocked18 on July 28th, 2015 02:19 pm (UTC)
Porn piñata!!! That must be a thing! Why do I suddenly hear Donald Duck's hoarse, screechy nasal drawl 'Piñata!'

Yes, evil Arthur deserves a smack/copious smacks on the bum! (preferably with the whip probably included in Gaius' gift)
Vini Bhattvinib on July 28th, 2015 02:36 pm (UTC)
Re: yiss
Aw yiss!! Arthur's been a bad bad boy and he needs to be smacked on his rather generous bum.
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 04:45 pm (UTC)
Re: yiss
Donald Duck's hoarse, screechy nasal drawl 'Piñata! made me laugh out loud and I've helped put together a bachelorette party with a porn piñata. As you can imagine, it was a big hit.
adsullatta: Merthuradsullatta on July 28th, 2015 04:37 pm (UTC)
*giggles like a fiend* I LOVE that the naughty gift came from Gaius and not Will! Poor Merlin, talk about squirm-worthy situations. Mum wanting to tell him ALL about his wedding night while he's trying to stow away a package of adult toys XD Honestly I can't blame Arthur for enjoying the situation to the fullest, I know I'd have probably done the same. This is a delightful addition to a series I'm greatly enjoying <3
brunettepetbrunettepet on July 28th, 2015 04:46 pm (UTC)
I'm delighted everyone's enjoying this so much. Just the idea of Gaius putting that package together had me laughing so I'm glad it came across as funny as I'd hoped.
Gwyllion: Merlin-A/M forevergwylliondream on August 6th, 2015 08:33 pm (UTC)
Oh dear God! Hunith was a hoot, but Gaius's gift and the ensuing antics have my co-workers wondering what I'm doing!

This is great!
brunettepetbrunettepet on August 6th, 2015 09:49 pm (UTC)
Hunith is just concerned! Merlin's a good boy.

Gaius's gift was from the heart but how embarrassing to open it in front of your mum. I think he should have thought that through a bit more :D

I'm delighted you're enjoying this so much. It's great fun to write.
Malu Awyr: TING!malu_3 on August 10th, 2015 11:46 pm (UTC)
OH MY GOD :D It just gets better and better. From charming, sexy backyard mud-nanigans to my heart smishing at the idea of Arthur's generosity towards Hunith, then the hilarity of Will and Gaius' gifts... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 'VERSE
brunettepetbrunettepet on August 11th, 2015 11:18 am (UTC)
You're welcome! Mud-nanigans is the best word ever!