Title: The Email Order Bridegroom, Unsent Thank You Letters Outtake
Rating: R, this part
Character/s: Arthur, Merlin
Warnings: Mental image of a naked character nobody wants to see naked.
Word Count: 585
Prompt: Unsent letters
Author's Notes: Have some more ridiculousness.
The wedding gift thank you letter to Gaius Merlin wanted to send:
Have you gone mad? You sent that box of sex toys and lube and stuff with mum and SHE PUT IT IN HER CARRYON!!!!!
Think on this: A dildo and a ball gag went through the airport scanner while mum was happily thinking about what movie they were going to show on the plane. This may sound like the opening line to a very funny joke but IT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!!!!!!!
If I had magic you would be naked and locked out of your cottage right now. Ugh. Now I’ve imagined you naked, that’s how upset I am. You have done my brain in.
Even though I’m mad and mortified, I still wish you could have been here. It was a lovely wedding and you would like Arthur and his dad and sister. Maybe we'll see you at Christmas.
"That is not a thank you letter, Merlin," Arthur says handing the card back. He's looking all reasonable which is making Merlin fume even more.
"I am not thanking him for embarrassing me," Merlin answers.
"Embarrass him right back but be subtle about it," Arthur says and hands Merlin another Thank You card.
This is the letter that finally gets mailed:
Dear Uncle Gaius,
Thank you so much for the surprising wedding gifts. They’ve proven a lot more useful than first expected, though I wish you had posted the package rather than given it to mum to deliver. She was here when we opened it and it was very embarrassing.
I also wanted to give you a warning about a few of the flavored lubes (I know you and Alice are more than friends no matter how much you protest).
Wasabi flavoured lube is wrong on several different levels! Steer well clear of putting horseradish anything near your bits. Unfortunately, we’d had a few beers and Arthur thought sushi sounded yummy...that’s all you need to know. Also I don’t know what Dulce de Leche is supposed to taste like but we’re guessing vomit was not what the manufacturer was going for. The coconut macademia nut and raspberry lubes have excellent consistency and are delicious, too.
We’re both enjoying the books, especially The Joy of Gay Sex! We're working our way through the alphabet and are now on Exhibitionism and Voyeurism. Next up Face-to-Face. It's all very eye opening.
Thanks, again, for the unexpected gifts. Arthur thanks you, too! I live in hope that shopping for the contents of that box made you blush as hard as I did when I opened it.
The wedding gift thank you letter to Gwaine Arthur wanted to send:
Please keep your pervy brain far, far away from my new husband and what we get up to in the privacy of our bedroom.
Merlin looks up with a smile, "This is not a thank you letter either."
Arthur points to the front of the card, "It says Thank You in big embossed letters right there."
Merlin laughs and gets another card out of the box, "Here let me."
The letter that actually gets sent:
Thank you for the gift certificate and The Beginners Bondage Kit. I’ve already used the blue silk tie as a fashion accessory and Arthur approves. He says it matches my eyes.
We’re looking forward to using the gift certificate but, no, we’re not telling you when we do or what we get so stop asking. It's freaking Arthur out.